DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Idiots!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and
how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt
to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant.
I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
'protective custody' for him in an elevated cell,so he is safe. For now...
Month: May 2007
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- 3:20 pm
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Remarkable Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated
such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)
and reliable Parenting strategies
(adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate
when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student,
only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when
schools were required to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents when a student
became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
after a woman failed to realize that a
steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust,
his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers;
My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because
so few realized he was gone.- 2:13 pm
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